It’s nearly 2am. Can’t sleep tonight.

A quick preface: It’s 2am and I’m ranting. I consider myself to be guilty of everything I accuse. Just let me rant.

I can’t fully explain it, but I am filled with anger tonight. I am unbelievably angry with the organization known as the “church”.

I am a Christian. Sometimes I am ashamed to be a member of this organization known as the church. Sometimes I am ashamed to be associated with other members of this quasi-religious organization. I believe I can honestly say that my belief in Jesus and my faith in God exists in spite of the actions of this organization.

In my life, “the church” and members of this organization, calling themselves “Christians, have seemingly gone to great lengths to drive me away. They have pointed out my flaws. They have convinced me of my worthlessness. They have taken advantage of me - emotionally, financially, and spiritually. One of these “Christians” encouraged me to commit suicide. Two leaders of this organization, calling themselves “pastors”, told me that God had given up on me, and that I was not one of God’s “chosen ones” who could enter heaven.

I am not a Christian because of the “church”. I am a Christian because of God. I had a very private, intimate experience with God that changed my life. Based on that experience, I choose to believe in Jesus.

Not surprisingly, when I tried to tell some of these “Christians” about my experience, I was mocked and ridiculed.

These experiences were horrible. However, I am oddly thankful, because those experiences have toughened me and shaped me. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, but I have grown because of those experiences. Today I am strong and confident in a way that I have never experienced.

I wish I could tell you that the church has changed. I wish I could tell you that today, experiences like mine have gone the way of the Spanish Inquisition, that the church has been reformed in the same way that the Protestant Reformation reformed the Catholic church.

I cannot.

In fact, today I fear that the church is taking actions far worse than those of the Spanish Inquisition. We judge, we abuse, we punish, all in the name of Jesus. We commit unspeakable atrocities, seek divine forgiveness, then resume our path of terror.

I have seen and heard so many injustices in the name of Jesus. It would be easy for me to name names, to give you photographs and to outline the sins of each person. But that wouldn’t accomplish anything.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

I am so tired of looking at an organization filled with weak, fearful individuals, people who need to ridicule me in order to boost their own fragile egos. I am so tired of seeing people who forget that God created the very same science that they deny. I am so tired of seeing people who scream hate in the name of the God who created love. I am so tired of a religion that is muddied with personal opinions and propaganda. I am so tired of a religion that fears individuals with unique ideas.

I am so thankful that God reached out to me when the church would not. But oh, how I pray this will change. I am so thankful that God reached out to me; yet, no one will ever know what it would have meant if one of God’s “christians” had brought me to God. Meeting God personally was a precious and irreplaceable experience; yet, if only one of my fellow mortals had first introduced us - sometimes I cry because I never had that experience. I did not experience unconditional love from the “christians”, and I never knew that love until God came to me. Today, I can’t help but feel that I missed something wonderful, that I lost an incredible experience because the church was too selfish to touch me.

Thanks for listening. I needed that.